Green Eyes

The challenge at Friday the 6th was to write a really gripping first sentence. I didn’t think I could write the right first sentence unless I wrote the whole piece, to make sure the first sentence worked. Word limit 1000, mine 979. Deadline one week.

Green Eyes Louise Sorensen April9, 2012

I once knew a man who treated a yellow Appaloosa like a piece of crap. But that‘s another story.

I think I’m in love.

It all started when I got my new laptop. I’d been making do for years, with leftover games computers the kids had outgrown. Then suddenly I got this brand new state of the art laptop. Man!

It wasn’t long after, though, that I began to have trouble with it. It would heat up, if I was on a certain favourite website too long. And the Ctrl button was too close to the Caps button, so quite often I’d hit Ctrl instead of Caps and lose a whole story I was typing. A rocky start, but we finally adjusted to each other.

Then, my new lappie started blacking out on me. I could find no pattern or cause to its fainting behaviour. It just curled up its toes and passed out. After about a minute, it would slowly revive and give me an error message that the display driver had ceased to respond. If I had a nickel for all the times my own personal display driver has ceased to respond, I could retire. Some computers, like some people, are in my opinion, attention hogs.

I became less and less excited about ‘M’, as I called my lappie. As time went on, M’s display driver ceased to respond more and more often. I have weekly articles to write and do most, well let’s admit it, all of my research on the internet, so I was getting frustrated.

I guess M was getting frustrated too. This relationship was probably failing his expectations. So he did the ultimate. He crashed his hard drive. One day I tried to turn him on and he was lifeless. Unresponsive. I immediately phoned tech support and tried going back to factory reset. We’d already been through this a few times and it had always worked before. But this time M was gone. All my pictures and articles he had lovingly stored in his heart for me were in jeopardy.

Although I hated to do it, I called Dweebs R Us and got a computer guy out to do what he could for M.

The computer guy showed up in a yellow van with a big picture of a brown bear on it. I though this was a strange logo for a computer dweebs company. Turns out they come to help you with your computer when you can’t ‘bear’ it any longer. Well, I was certainly at that stage.

There’s no way I would ever let M leave my sight, so I paid a hefty fee for the computer guy, whose name was Marcel, I took that as a good omen, all the men in my life have had names that started with M, to stay for two days and replace the hard drive and set M up again.

Only it wasn’t my M anymore when Marcel was done. As I name all my computers M, as well as my car and my house, it’s my favourite letter, I had to keep calling my lappie M. Though he was so unlike the original M, I almost considered calling him m. But we humans can adapt to anything so I called him M, and it was no time at all before it felt normal.

Marcel said he had had trouble finding the place, and not to call him again. But I don’t let go of a good computer tech, whose name starts with M, that easily.

M had a few hiccups and teething problems, and I had to get Marcel back a few times.

“I don’t know how you have any reception at all out here in this forest. Don’t the trees block the signal?” he said one time.

Another time, “You sure have big dogs out here. I got chased a few miles. Don’t people out here teach their dogs anything?”

I didn’t want to tell him that they weren’t dogs. And there are no people but me. But maybe he already knew that because the next thing he said was, “Please don’t call me back again.”

Anyway, the next time M needed a check-up I called Dweebs R Us and asked for Marcel. Marcel didn’t work there any more. But they sent out Markus. Another M man. I knew we’d get along just fine.

Markus brought a brown paper package of goodies to install in M., Courtesy of the late Marcel. It only took a day for Markus to overhaul M, but the difference was miraculous.

Wires were sticking out all over the transformed M. He was keyed to turn on to my voice only, and had a touch screen that magically responded to my lightest caress.

“Marcel told me all about you and your needs,” Markus said looking deep into my eyes. I noticed his were green. One of my favourite colours.

“You got your wired adapters, your full body touch screen, and your lifetime battery,” he said. “You’ll never, ever, ever, have to call anyone to fix your computer again. It will never break down.”

And he was right. Now I can wander in the forest all I want. And I don’t have to go home even when it gets dark. I call M Michael now and he’s with me always.

When I touch his screen, he leans his face into my hand. He has the most beautiful green eyes and dark hair. I can reach right through the screen– it melts away at a touch. So far, I’ve only been able to draw out Michael’s hand through the screen. But I think, with a little wiggling, I can pull the rest of him out all the way.

Yesterday, he told me he was coming to get me.

I think I’m definitely in love.

About louisesor

As I say in my twitter profile @louise3anne "I am a part of all that I have met..." from one of my favourite poems, 'Ulysses' by Tennyson.I believe that we are ALL a part of all that we have met. You can also find me on FaceBook.
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6 Responses to Green Eyes

  1. Amanda says:

    I really liked it. It kept me interested. I kept wondering what would happen next. The M to m part was spectacular! (-= The only thing I didn’t like were the first two lines. You could start at “I think I’m in love” and go from there. Great, great story!

  2. tinksaid says:

    The initial ‘naming’ of the laptop gives the impression the narrator is sweet, and given to ‘baby talk’, I even sniggered at a couple of lines – so the darkness when it comes is even more chilling. Love that penultimate line. If like Amanda suggested you begin with ‘I think I’m in love’ then ‘Yesterday, he told me he was coming to get me.’ makes a great last line, in my opinion.

  3. smcgee30 says:

    I think where you start is personal preference when it’s down to a few lines. For my style, I would’ve started with “I got this brand new, state of the art, laptop.” But, your start adds suspicion about the narrator which I think plays well in story cohesiveness. If you like it, I would keep it.

    • louisesor says:

      I like it, but I’m not married to it. I’ve been writing very intuitively recently.
      If it feels right, no matter how weird, I leave it in. Thank you for your input. : )

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